I’d rather not get a witness, thanks.

A 20-something guy from Letgo (a more current version of Craigslist) came to my house to pick up two broken chainsaws I had offered for free. For *free*. 

Guy: Well since I’m here (at your house taking free things from you), let me tell you all about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Me: hm. uhhh, we- naw, we don’t need to do that. 

Guy *shows no sign of slowing*

Me: Like, I went to school for this stuff, then I was a pastor. You don’t need to-

Guy: here’s a tract. I really think you should read it.

(Throughout this entire conversation he will continue to hold this tract up the way a southern baptist preacher holds the Bible up with his right hand aggressively defensive for the last 20 minutes of a sermon)

Me: *hands it back* I already know everything that’s in this. I used to TEACH this, did you not hear me??

Guy: just between you and me, I don’t think Catholics are going to heaven.

*I sit on this one to let him dig a hole*

Guy: Like, if you really read and believe what is written in the book of Revelations-

Me: Revelation. No “S”. One Revelation.

Guy: anyway, if you believe it and really-

Me: yeah that was a metaphor for the persecuted Christians under emperor Nero.

Guy: *chokes*

Guy: You can’t read the whole bible literally & then suddenly stop being literal for the last book.

Me: …Right. Taking a lot of that as literal is to be willfully ignorant. Biblical scholars- Christians who translate the Bible and research historical context and prose tell us-

Guy: *interrupting* Well I’m not here to talk about ‘scholars‘.

Me: *ignoring the proud banner of team stupidity* Job is a story with a point. Jonah is, too. The account of the garden of eden is story in the form of a poem. The Tower of Babel would be impossible to build, it’s an origin story with a point as well if you’re being generous. All the Psalms are entirely actual songs with poetic imagery. Song of Songs some sort of performance poem. (you can’t actually think her neck is literally the tower of David, right?) I could go on but-

Guy: *obviously struggling* well are you a Christian? What happens when you die?

Me: I don’t know and neither do you. Heaven is a cop out.

Me: When Jesus spoke of the kingdom of heaven, he was talking about ushering it in with actions in the present moment. Christians don’t do that.

Guy: Not all Christians! I-

Me: ok, You then. How are you actively taking care of the poor? How do you make sure the hungry are fed? In what ways are you creating change for the oppressed?

G: I’m nice at work.

Me: Do you denounce trump’s violence? Fight to keep us all healthy? Help stop global warming?

Guy: I’m not worried about global warming. As a Christian, I- 

Me: Well THAT pisses me off. That’s a common christian thing to do- just say ‘Fuck it, we’re gonna go to heaven anyway!’

Guy: *leaves*



  1. Yeah – these types, you can’t really tell them anything. It’s almost as if they’re on a script and they expect you to say your lines so that they can witness to you correctly. I think Way of the Master even has a series of lines you can say to steer the script in the right direction if you’re dealing with somebody who just won’t say the right things.

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