Judgement

I’m not supposed to judge anyone.

I’m not supposed to judge….

But there’s this one dude. I can’t help it- he misrepresents me so much that it’s impossible not to judge him. All the words that you can think of to describe someone you really hate to be around, you know- the words you don’t publicize knowledge and usage of, I have called this guy in my mind.

I’ve been disappointed as I wait for him to finish work he promised he would get done only to find he has procrastinated, forgotten about the work, or been too distracted to get it done making me look bad.

I’ve watched in horror and heartbroken as he completely smears the Christian faith. He judges others so harshly that it becomes necessary for me to judge him. I argue with him in my mind. Why would he say something so hurtful? Why would he allow himself to slip up in such a stupid, stupid manner? He’s killing our image. He’s killing me.

I watch, unable to speak up or stop him, as he uses my name in fury, frustrated over what someone else has said or done.

I sit, weak and terrified, as he wears my face to say ugly things.

I’m tired of this guy. I’m calling you out, Self:

Why would you do this, Self? What drives you to destroy good friendships? Why do you hate for me to have great opportunities to share my faith? Where is your humility? Why do you need so much attention?

You are supposed to be dead. You are something I’m supposed to have left behind.

I have the hardest time forgiving you. You are an awful, terrible person. You are ignorant and loud, opinionated and closed-minded. And, bro, I know¬†you don’t shower as often as you let on.

You suck, Self.

Your sin really screws me up.

That being said, I need you to know I love you. I want better for you. You certainly don’t deserve it, but I still want better for you.

I’m not supposed to judge anybody, but I just can’t keep myself from doing so. So let me start recovery from my sin here, with myself. Maybe the only way to starve this sinful nature, to let it shrivel up and die is to follow Jesus and forgive, even forgive my self.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you force yourself to know you’re forgiven?

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6 comments

  1. Pingback: Top Seven of 2011 | CHADWICKFLOYD

  2. This type of self loathing and guilt for being human is precisely the reason I left religion. I’m not going to smother a part of my humanity to let it die, and I will never feel guilty for THOUGHTS that I have or the person that I am.

    • Thanks for your honesty, Lee.

      I can certainly understand the desire to leave because someone or a set of beliefs tells you to hate something about yourself. That’s hard, and that is the struggle I wrote about here.

      Don’t misunderstand- What I write about here is moving past that feeling. I only have these hateful thoughts when I decide to hold all the responsibility of The Way on my own shoulders. I suck at that. I’m human.

      The good news is that there is redemption, there is forgiveness, there is mercy and grace. Thank God I didn’t live before Jesus lived out the Gospel and saved us all- I would be one sick dude.

      I have struggles that the Bible and prayerful discernment tell me are wrong and lead to death. Struggles I’m not yet willing to admit in such public forum. Even if I could take my Christianity out of my point of view, I could see that some choices I make and things I desire will lead to a literal death- and if not they will lead to a miserable life. Jesus talked about being The Way. That’s what I’m talking about here. I don’t know the way to not make terrible decisions or continuously be a total jerk to people who frustrate me. But there is a way. I’m trying to follow that way out of a broken humanity. Part of that is being able to see my flaws and be forgiven for them, and even forgive myself for them.

      Yeah, I don’t want you to think you need to judge yourself. I don’t want anyone to feel judged. That’s the point I’m making. I can’t feel all right about telling others not to feel like I’m judging them without giving you a window into my own struggle and climb out of feeling judged.

      If I was worried about being judged, I wouldn’t write about crapping my pants. (Or someday writing about two brothers who got caught peeing into each other’s rooms from across the hall- still waiting on the right metaphorical connection for that one).

      I love you. And I am so glad you read words that I write because you are one of the smartest and most passionate people I know. I need your honesty. Thanks again for your honest words.

      • You got caught doing WHAT??? (And don’t you even think of judging my three question marks!) Either I am not the one that caught you, or … or … I was so weary from raisng such … um … “entertaining” children by myself that I forgot. That must be it because just the thought of this makes me tired.

        On another note, Chad, I still struggle with this. It is a lifelong surrender (not battle). I’m dealing with self-acceptance and love right now myself. And since He has commanded us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, I think I need to get on it already! The problem is,

        A) *I* can’t do it.
        B) I *can’t* do it.
        C) I can’t *do* it.

        A) I’m learning to let go and let God.
        B) I have been so performance-minded for so long, it is hard for me to grasp that not only do I not have to do it, but I am not able to do it.
        C) I don’t need to DO anything but invite and allow Him to live and love through me.

        Lee, I’m glad you refuse to feel guilty for being who you are. I kinda like the way you are (except for the peeing across the hall part). You are wonderfully made.

        In fact, I wouldn’t encourage you to feel guilt for any reason whatsoever. God isn’t the one that whispers to us how awful we are. Yet, human nature is to listen to those “whispers” and believe them, and judge ourselves, which inevitably leads to judging others. Guilt is not a “God-given” emotion, but religion would certainly lead one to believe it is. God doesn’t want us to come to Him out of guilt or fear. He wants us to desire His company as much as He desires ours. He would much rather forgive than judge, but bottom line is it’s His call to judge. Not ours. We aren’t supposed to judge each other or ourselves. Yet we do. And sadly, Christians are probably better at this than most.

  3. Everyone struggles with this! The way you phrased it and formatted it was perfect; we sit by and watch ourselves sin, almost like from a third party view, without any control. If we try to avoid sin by ourselves and by means of our own will power, we will fail. Every time. We may ignore temptation for a short period of time but if we want to truly break the cycle of sin, you have to put all your faith in God and use Him to fight the Devil.
    Just this morning I found myself frustrated and angry at my sin and for wasting so much time and it’s purely because I haven’t come to Christ with this issue yet because I’m afraid. I think I’m not alone here though. Many either think we can handle an issue on our own (Oh, I just won’t bother praying about it- I’ve got it under control… Jesus is a busy guy) or we are scared to do away with that sin because we don’t know what our lives would look like without it.
    To best avoid frustration with oneself, it’s essential to come to Christ with our problems, no matter how small. And he may not always fix them immediately, but He will work with us for His final plan.


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