I’m not supposed to judge….
But there’s this one dude. I can’t help it- he misrepresents me so much that it’s impossible not to judge him. All the words that you can think of to describe someone you really hate to be around, you know- the words you don’t publicize knowledge and usage of, I have called this guy in my mind.
I’ve been disappointed as I wait for him to finish work he promised he would get done only to find he has procrastinated, forgotten about the work, or been too distracted to get it done making me look bad.
I’ve watched in horror and heartbroken as he completely smears the Christian faith. He judges others so harshly that it becomes necessary for me to judge him. I argue with him in my mind. Why would he say something so hurtful? Why would he allow himself to slip up in such a stupid, stupid manner? He’s killing our image. He’s killing me.
I watch, unable to speak up or stop him, as he uses my name in fury, frustrated over what someone else has said or done.
I sit, weak and terrified, as he wears my face to say ugly things.
I’m tired of this guy. I’m calling you out, Self:
Why would you do this, Self? What drives you to destroy good friendships? Why do you hate for me to have great opportunities to share my faith? Where is your humility? Why do you need so much attention?
You are supposed to be dead. You are something I’m supposed to have left behind.
I have the hardest time forgiving you. You are an awful, terrible person. You are ignorant and loud, opinionated and closed-minded. And, bro, I know you don’t shower as often as you let on.
You suck, Self.
Your sin really screws me up.
That being said, I need you to know I love you. I want better for you. You certainly don’t deserve it, but I still want better for you.
I’m not supposed to judge anybody, but I just can’t keep myself from doing so. So let me start recovery from my sin here, with myself. Maybe the only way to starve this sinful nature, to let it shrivel up and die is to follow Jesus and forgive, even forgive my self.
Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you force yourself to know you’re forgiven?